Days pass by where I frequently enough receive compliments on my photographs or my apparence or other things. They all get stored in a safe little box inside my chest where I keep them to remind myself that what I’m doing and who I’m becoming is appreciated on gloomy days. They all are valued so high for me, because my passions and my appearance are a big part of who I am. But lately- I’ve been getting a lot of compliments on my character. On my soul. My kindness. My judgement. My strength. My everything… And I don’t think I can express enough without more tears streaming down my face how deeply I cherish this. Who I am is the one thing I have control over in my life. The only consistency that is guaranteed. I can’t help but sit here and cry over the thought of continually getting recognized and applauded for the biggest aspect of my entire being. I just can’t fathom this. I can’t fathom how lucky I am to have a life so saturated with such caring and loving people who only want to see me at my best, and who praise me when I am, and who build me up when I’m not quite. It’s 5:37am and I’m getting sappy, but I need this to be documented. I need this feeling to be recorded in any possible form.
Remember that feeling.
Remember it.
Lying in bed,
5:46am
The trees share their left over rain,
dropping them sparingly on the outside of my window pane.
I listen thoughtfully and try to count them to sleep.
No sleep.
5:54am
Cars pass and let their light leak into my dark room.
I like the light but right now I appreciate my darkness much more.
Sometimes I find myself taking comfort in not being able to see what’s ahead of me.
Most times though
I do not.
6:02am
and my father’s alarm sounds.
A start to his day,
an end to mine.
5:44am and I am just now going to bed after an extremely long night of group video calls with new friends and with old. I am so thankful for all the people I have in my life, near and far. Everything is nothing without them.
Sometimes in the middle of the night if I can’t sleep and my mind is wandering, I’ll write various things in my notes application on my phone. I’m always in such a daze and never remember until I wake up, because it’s synched to my e-mail. So every morning after nights like these, I get a notification to remind me of my strange, sometimes sad- sometimes euphoric 4am thoughts. I don’t know how I feel about these reminders.
I just drove an hour to get to class like every other school day only to find out it was canceled last minute and I had 5 emails waiting for me to make sure I knew. But while walking to class, when I passed by the smoking area I heard one guy say to all his other friends how hot I was, and that never happens. So at least there’s that?
I got woken up by a phone call from my school telling me my class got canceled for today and I can go back to bed and keep cuddling with my cozy boyfriend.
Okay that’s not verbatim but that’s what I did so close enough.
I’ve become far too familiar with slamming on my breaks and getting out of my car to run across roads of oncoming traffic- getting honked at with my cameras around my neck and a vision of the image I want to get in mind…
Sometimes I can’t help but feel lonely because I don’t have many friends around here, but then I remember that nothing is more lonely than having friends who aren’t friends at all.
So I finally got around to watching Jeff Who Lives at Home last night. I knew it would be good, and tons of people told me to watch it because they knew I’d be really into it, but god damn, that movie was fantastic. Alex watched it a few days ago while I was in NYC, but wanted to watch it again last night so he could watch it with me. Eventually I could tell he had fallen asleep because I could hear his breathing thicken, but I figured I wouldn’t wake him up since he’d just watched it. Then towards the end of the movie it got extremely sad and I found myself crying uncontrollably (More than I usually already do…) It was so sad that I got to the point where I had to wake him up so he’d hold me closer, even though he was already my big spoon curled up against my back. I scared him because he had been sleeping long enough where it took him a few moments to fully wake up, and once he did he saw his sobbing wide eyed girlfriend burying my face into his chest with no explanation. He woke up right away and hugged me and squeezed me and kissed my head over and over and told me that it’d be okay. I was laughing and crying at the same time because I knew it was so ridiculous, so he laughed with me until the movie got better then really sweetly asked me if he could go back to sleep. This is kind of a pointless story to blog about, but it’s today’s “I really appreciate my boyfriend for putting up with me when I turn into an emotional wreck out of nowhere because of fictional stories” post. He’s my favorite and I’m glad he understands me. <3
I walked in the door with all my bags to see my cat instantly trotting towards me to rub up against my legs and pur. I set all my things down in my room and went into the bathroom. He nudged the door open with his paws and face while ferociously purring. He jumped on my lap while I was peeing, walked all over my legs, and kept rubbing his face against mine. As soon as I walked out, he ran past me looking over his shoulder and jumped on my bed and stared at me. I walked up to my bed to give him love and he got up and walked to the total opposite side of my bed while still looking over his shoulder to make sure I was paying attention. Little bastard made it so I had to get on my bed if I wanted to pet him. As soon as I sat down, he hopped in my lap where he is now dead asleep. I think it’s safe to assume he missed me.
I was in Providence/Boston last week where I got to see old friends and meet new ones, and take pictures. This week I got to show my best friend my hometown and where I live and got to introduce her to all my friends. Then we went to Burlington to visit more friends and take more pictures. My first class of this semester was today and it was absolutely awesome. (She played Mumford and Sons CDs the entire class so I knew it had to be good.) We’re going to Burlington again tonight, then hopping on a bus to leave for NYC tomorrow morning where we will be exploring and taking more pictures and going to art museums and possibly maybe other really exciting things if they work out! Then I get to come home to my boyfriend!!! Everything is really great right now and I don’t want it to end.
^ A few months ago, I blogged about when I first met Shannon. I couldn’t figure out why, but the first time we talked I felt a weird since of connection to her. Now less than three months later, she’s flying completely across the united states to come visit me for almost two full weeks. In less than three months she’s become my best friend and I’ve become hers. I’ve never connected with anyone as quickly and strongly as I have with her, and I am so beyond excited to drive to Boston today to pick her up at the airport. Oh the adventures we’re about to have! :’)
